Welp, I did it. I quit. After 12 years, multiple promotions, lucrative bonuses, and trips around the world...I simply walked away. I said goodbye to a career I had worked my ass off for. Far longer work hours than 9-5. Too few sleep hours; nowhere near the suggested 8 per night. I spent years trying to prove my worth and value to the owners. I always knew what I was capable of, but in the corporate world, you just have to prove it through “blood, sweat and tears” and TIME. Lots of fucking time. Time I’ll never get back. I traded time with my family to meet work deadlines. Every morning felt rushed and every night felt ragged. On nights I didn’t have work dinners, I’d leave the office early, just to get to aftercare a couple minutes late. Every commute home was the most intense slow speed car chase; white knuckles clenched around the steering wheel, each minute ticking by raising my level of anxiety. My kids were always the last ones to get picked up. I’d answer emails on my phone during bath time. I’d have work calls from the soccer sidelines. Every meal was hurried rather than savored.
I was always rushing, always apologizing, never ever present.
Like many others, COVID allowed me to begin working remotely, which started out as a great change for me, in some of the simplest of ways. I was thrilled to be able to pick up the kids after school let out! I had never been able to do that before. Such an awesome afternoon treat to be able to hit pause on whatever projects I was working on, snatch the dangling leash from the wall and trot down the tree lined streets to greet our kids with hugs and face licks. The kids were always so happy to show Pinot off to their classmates and teachers. They liked sharing another side of themselves with their peers. It was a sort of show and tell that didn’t need any telling. “This is my awesome dog. Isn’t he really awesome? Oh, and look. I’m big enough to walk him home.” They would fight over who got to hold the leash as we walked towards our house.
The 3 blocks between school and Clifton Park I’d play referee and make the call over whose turn it was to clutch the blue rope tightly with both arms. But once we reached the park we all were free. We let go of Pinot’s leash, his nose leading him toward any and every stick hiding in the grass. We’d take turns hurling sticks as Pinot would chase them down, retrieve them and drop them about 15 feet short of our reach. “Seriously, dude? You’re playing fetch; not me.” He was so alert, patient and excited for the next projectile branch. He’d sit very still, very upright, eyes wide. He’d shut his mouth and inevitably catch his upper lip on one of his lower canines. I’d stare at him and think, “isn’t that uncomfortable?” His lip bulging upwards and outwards. But I guess it wasn’t. He stared back at us (well at the stick, really), almost motionless, so focused, quivering in anticipation. Then Rowen would let his stick RIP! Landing a mere 3 feet in front of his grass stained sneakers, Pinot chased it down nonetheless. He LIVED for this moment...we all did.
Every stick-hurl, and every retrieval brought so much joy to our whole family. THIS is what I’ve been missing! THIS is what I wanted more of, and THIS is what I was determined to get.
I vowed I would take an hour every day to pick up the kids and have good wholesome family fun mid day. After all, it was quite a sad realization that my kids were already 5 and 8 years old and this felt like the first time I’d been able to enjoy any part of the weekdays with them. It felt almost scandalous! Up until then, this kind of activity was only possible on the weekends. Yah, you know, those 2 “free” days you get to spend “relaxing” between all the kids sporting events, birthday parties, errands and preparing for another long haul of a Mon-Friday workweek. Every Monday morning commute I was surprised to find out it was possible to be more exhausted than the previous one.
“At least I don’t have to commute anymore” I’d remind myself. “I’m really lucky to be able to work from home.”
In all the craziness and adjusting to Post-Pandemic work-life, I didn’t realize how much MORE I was working. There were many days when I would have virtual meetings or phone calls stacked up back to back from 8am - 530pm. It was insane. I’d have meetings all day, just to set up more meetings in the future, and every meeting always resulted in adding more tasks onto my ever growing to-do list. Bosses and colleagues would continually ask for help completing another project by yet another deadline.
At first, I was happy to ditch the commuting hours and I willingly forfeited my lunch breaks, but I never got that time back for ME...all the time and energy continued to go toward my job. And forget about all those fancy company-expensed meals...I was lucky if I remembered to brew coffee let alone cut up some fruit to fuel me through the day. Seriously...if it weren’t for Jay, I would have only eaten 1 meal a day and it definitely wouldn’t have been anything close to delectable. Just a random assortment of ready to eat foods in my pantry and fridge. A few months into the pandemic, I realized I made out really badly on this trade. I THOUGHT I was going to earn back more weekday hours with my family, but instead, I just traded commute time and lunch breaks, for more working hours and “meal” made up of random leftovers, sliced cheese and pickles.
For over a year I told myself, “at least I don’t have to go to the office” or “be grateful for what you have; you’re lucky your job can be done remotely.”
My days became only slightly less rushed in the morning, but more chaotic in the afternoons. Working from home posed some new challenges I hadn’t seen coming. For one, that fairy tale about getting all my work done before picking the kids up from school, yah that obviously flew right out the window. Yes, I was physically home with my kids, but I might as well have been in another state. With them, I was mentally absent and now it wasn’t just at bath time. It was for hours on end, day in and day out. I’d constantly have to send the kids outside or into another room so I could attend “just one more virtual meeting”. I was perpetually pushing my kids aside for the benefit of my job. It was always just one more call, one more meeting, one more email. I didn’t realize what a lie that was. It was never one more, it was ENDLESS.
One day my son told me “You’re always on your computer. Why can’t you play with me? All you want to do is work”, My initial reaction was defensiveness. “You think I want to be working all day? Don’t you think I’d rather play with you? I don’t want to be on the phone all day talking about this stuff! If I could, I would quit. But I can’t!
This conversation haunted me for weeks. I kept replaying in my head. My son asked more of me, pleaded for it, and I told him simply and firmly that I couldn't give it to him. He was visibly saddened by what I said; his chin dropping low, his little body shrinking in on itself. It was as if I popped his big sparkly balloon; extinguished the twinkle from his large brown eyes.
I felt like I was in a no-win situation. I could either stay in a job that I had become very good at but over time lost all passion for, or I could take even more time and energy away from my family to find different job opportunities, interview, and then work doubly hard somewhere else trying to prove my worth all over again. Both of those felt like losing in life. I wish I could just quit. Just walk away. No solid plan in place, just say goodbye and just...I don’t know, breathe? Gather my thoughts? Throw some sticks for Pinot? Play more cars with Rowen? But that was obviously the most irresponsible option, so I never labeled it as an option to begin with.
Then one day, a question popped into my head:
As a parent, what's MORE irresponsible? Quitting a career without another job lined up? OR ... Living a life that teaches your kids Happiness and Fulfillment come second to Money?
I knew the answer just as fast as I finished asking the question. So I quit! Just walked away and I never looked back.
I’m not sure yet where this road will take me...there are no yellow bricks to follow. But that’s ok, I got a whole lot of sticks and a boatload of Matchbox cars to make up for that.
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